'I was 16 when I found my dad dead from a heart attack. Two years later I tried to take my own life'

Life is hard enough when you are 16 years old, but for Fraser MacDonald-Lister it became unbearable on the day he lost his dad.

While he seemed to be coping on the outside, achieving excellent exam grades and winning a place at Oxford, Fraser was suppressing his feelings. And he’s not alone. A new report from Movember found that half of 18 to 34-year-old men say they are reluctant to talk about their feelings for fear of appearing less masculine than others. 

While Fraser was prone to anxiety and low self-esteem, it was his father’s death that sent him spiralling.

His father, James, was just 64 when he collapsed while out running in April 2016. A passer-by knocked on the MacDonald-Lister’s door in West Peckham, Kent to say someone had collapsed in the street and could they call an ambulance.

Fraser, who was first aid trained, headed out to see if he could help, while his mother Julie, called the emergency services. “I walked out, looked up the road and saw it was my dad,” remembers Fraser. “I very much went into my first aider mindset. I wasn’t treating it as my dad, it was just someone I needed to help.”

Fraser lost track of the time he spent giving his dad chest compressions until the paramedics arrived, but they quickly established that James was beyond help and it was time to let him go.

Despite the traumatic loss of his father, Fraser insisted on going back to school after just two days and went on to sit his GCSE exams two weeks later, securing himself 11 A* grades. "I wasn't going to let my dad's legacy be that I failed my exams because he had passed away,” says Fraser. 

From an outsider’s perspective, he couldn’t have dealt with his father’s death better. He was elected into the leadership of the cadets, played rugby for school second team and was excelling academically. “It looked like I had taken it in my stride, but internally it wasn’t the case,” says Fraser. “I didn’t want mum to feel like I was struggling. I wanted to support her.”

But on the inside, things weren't right. He acknowledges now that he didn’t take the time to grieve, despite seeing a counsellor at his school, and he didn’t ask for help until the following year. His GP diagnosed him with depression and prescribed Sertraline.

Fraser's mental health continued to unravel during his first term at Oxford University, where he struggled to deal with the deadlines and new level of independence. “I went out all the time and started to drive myself into the ground,” he says. “My self-esteem took a hit. I’d had periods of low self-esteem at school since dad died, but at the same time I was counter-balancing it with these achievements. Once I went to university, I felt like a very small fish in a massive pond full of very intelligent people.”

Despite seeing a counsellor and taking medication, his trajectory continued. Fraser started to feel more anxious and isolated and began to have suicidal thoughts.

“I’d spend two or three days not leaving my room,” he says. “The anxiety was crippling. One morning I went to a lecture at 9am and I walked out thinking: I’ve had enough of this. I don’t like myself. I can’t see any feasible way of making this any better. I walked back to my dorm and tried to kill myself. Fortunately, it didn’t work.

"I knew I didn’t want to die, but I just didn’t know what to do.

“I imagine that’s the case for a lot of people. It’s not that you don’t want to live, but you just don’t see it getting any better and it all feels quite pointless.”

In the following weeks Fraser upped his medication and was offered regular counselling sessions, but it wasn’t enough. A few weeks later, after a night out, Fraser went back to his room and took a cocktail of pills. Once again, his attempt to take his life was unsuccessful.

Fraser finally confided in his mum and she secured him some more suitable counselling, something Fraser credits for transforming his perspective over time. “It wasn’t a case of suddenly everything got better, but incrementally you start to realise things about yourself. There are good days and bad days. And very slowly, with the help of my counsellor, I just got better at talking.”

It was around this time Fraser became a student ambassador for Movember, the men’s health charity. “I fundraised myself, but I also got more people involved to drive fundraising and the conversations around mental health. I had girls come up to me in clubs and say that because their boyfriends had seen something I’d written in the student paper, they’d opened up and got help. Those were the moments that mattered.”

After graduating from Oxford, Fraser remained an ambassador for Movember and has recently started a new job as a business analyst.

“Working with Movember means I’m constantly talking and contemplating,” says Fraser. “I’ve been able to be open about it with my new work colleagues. I need them to know I have depression because sometimes I’ll be having a shitty day and need to work from home.”

While Fraser misses his dad desperately, he doesn’t blame his depression on his death. “What it did was open the door to this self-loathing and low self-esteem,” he says. “I’m just trying to improve on it every day, I don’t dwell on it and don’t let it make me feel s***.”

Through his training with Movember and his life experiences, Fraser is determined to keep the conversation about mental health going. If you’re trying to support someone with depression, Fraser recommends that you regularly check in with them to see they’re OK. “Ask open ended questions and actively listen,” says Fraser. “A lot of time we skip over the slight negative but actually it’s that moment that matters. Offering to grab a cup of coffee can change someone’s life.”

Movember raises funds for innovative mental health programmes that enable men to live happier, healthier and longer lives. To donate visit Movember.com.