How to argue better (and avoid a blazing row with anyone this Christmas)

From stacking the dishwasher to your sister-in-law’s booze habit, Christmas can be a touch-paper for so many family rows. But according to psychotherapists, being able to talk to people about the things that are really bothering us is a sign of a healthy relationship. Often a row is just a different interpretation of the same event. We assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. And blaming the other person distracts us from exploring why we’re suddenly furious with each other.

According to Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Bruce Patton, Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher (Penguin Books), the key is not to deliver a message – “You are selfish” – but to turn it into a conversation where we move away from giving the person a piece of our mind towards asking questions about how they are making sense of the world. Yes, even with sullen teens!

Ideally you want to understand what has happened from the other person’s perspective, give your point of view, and work together to manage the problem. Because (speaking on behalf of passive-aggressive types, everywhere) people never change without first feeling understood.

Arguments are more effective with practice, says psychotherapist Jane Haynes. “It will make a difference whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, and whether you think on your feet or feel ambushed by your partner’s articulacy. A good debate isn’t about one person declaring victory, it’s about both people making a discovery. “If you argue to win, you’re already losing,” stresses psychotherapist Anouchka Grose.

How to navigate a classic Christmas row

You’re the designated driver for the 34rd time this month

Are you offering to drive the family and then resenting it? “Some people can find the put-upon position very comfortable, playing the martyr is hard to resist, and then you can get locked in a circle of grievance,” says NHS psychotherapist  Moya Sarner, author of When I Grow Up: Conversations With Adults in Search of Adulthood (Scribe).

“Negotiate with your kids/partner that you won’t be the designated driver for the whole holiday,” adds psychotherapist Marta Jendrzejewska. “Make it clear there are limitations to where and how you can ferry them around.” Share taxis or maybe adult kids can use your car so they participate, too. “Explain you’d like to experience the fun rather than just being the person taking care of everybody. And that it’s your Christmas present this year.”

Don’t say: you take advantage every time

Do say: let’s put your name on the insurance so we can share the driving 

Your 20-something went out late and won’t get up to join the family party

“Remember some developmental psychology,” says  psychotherapist Mark Vernon (markvernon.com). “Children need phases when they positively refuse to do what their parents do. So let them, but cut a deal with them for when they join in. Rather than making it a total war, work out what you really care about.” It may be less important that they sleep in, he adds, and more important that they let you know where they’re going at night.

“That sounds like quite standard young person behaviour,” says Sarner. “If I had a patient talking to me about their adult child who won’t get up on time for a family party, I’d be trying to think with the patient about why it’s leaving them feeling so bruised and angry. Is it making them feel unloved, disrespected? And trying to question if it really is to do with the behaviour of the young person or if it is tugging on something else from the parent’s background that is getting projected?”

Going home can  “re-infantilise” adult children, says  psychotherapist Phillip Hodson. They can revert to their rebellious teen and you start treating them like children. “It’s a case of hello you’re back in your old bedroom and we expect you to be up for breakfast at 7am.” They need you for money and support, he adds, “but they’re not going to automatically adopt your values” .

Don’t say: you’re lazy and thoughtless

Do say: get up when you like but please spend some time with your 87-year-old grandma

Your kids won’t put down their phones at the table. Your daughter sulks when you confiscate it

“In a well-regulated household, they’d know that’s not on,” says Hodson, “so you have to ask: ‘Am I a hypocrite, do I bring my phone to the table?’ You might say: ‘WE are on our best behaviour, put it away.’  Or send her a jokey text saying: ‘I really would like to talk to you in person. Do you have an available space in the next 10 minutes?’ Interrupt the flow.”

“You can either say, Christmas is so special it’s the one time I ask you to put down your phone for me,” says Grose. “Or you can say, blow it, it’s Christmas, they can do what they want and we’ll do what we want.”

“If the rule at the table means your daughter has to get off her phone, then OK she sulks,” says Sarner. “You don’t have to be afraid of difficult feelings. There’s a lot of pressure at Christmas for there only to be good feelings, and actually that makes everything worse. If we can open our minds up to the idea that all feelings are important and welcome, people can get on with their lives.”

Ask about your technology culture in the house, advises Vernon. “Make meals interesting – don’t just talk about nothing in particular. Listen to something together whilst eating, a podcast or audio book.”

Don’t say: why won’t you talk to me?

Do say: let’s order pizza and listen to The Rest of History podcast

Your husband has gone to the pub with his friends and left you to cook for and entertain his parents/look after the kids

Ask about the time in the pub, advises Vernon. “Find out why he wanted to go. Being asked may make him feel he belongs at home. It sounds a bit saintly, but in psychotherapy, behaviour is a form of communication. So what’s the communication here?”

Ask supportive questions, suggests Hodson. “What is it about being in a room with his parents that really bugs him?”  Make statements showing you have felt the same way: “I always feel out of place too.” But let him know how much extra work it has caused you.

Grose is more brutal. “Maybe he’s just a chauvinist d---,” she laughs. “But it could be that you manoeuvred yourself into that situation. Some people present themselves as wanting to prepare an amazing dinner without other people meddling. So everyone gets  out of your way, and then suddenly you’re really angry because you’re on your own in the kitchen.” When you’re feeling very self-righteous, ask yourself a few key questions, she counsels.

Don’t say: I wish I’d married your brother

Do say: we need to delegate things better, so I can escape to the pub, too

Your husband/wife has secretly run up a credit card bill on presents

Spending is usually a request for something else – for love, looks, comfort,  distraction,” says Vernon. “Money carries a massive emotional charge. If your partner overspends on the kids’ presents without telling you, it might be about something else that’s upsetting you both,” says Grose. “You need to treat it like mediation or a political summit. ‘This is really serious and we’ve really got to get an outcome,’ especially if it might mean you can’t pay your rent/mortgage.”

Pick your moment, says Jendrzejewska. “Then think ‘what’s my goal?’ Is it finding out where the other person is coming from or am I trying to set some boundaries for the future, especially if it’s going to be a hot-button issue that might cause ongoing conflict.” Obviously with Christmas, there is an element of secrecy. “You’re trying to purchase a gift for someone and surprise them. But it would depend on the level of secrecy and why. Maybe there’s a practical reason – buying an iPad for your child for school. Maybe you can accept the reason but still set boundaries.”

Don’t say: you’ve always been a frivolous person

Do say: Jimmy is thrilled but the iPad needs to be for Christmas and birthday

Your wife is flirting with the neighbour again

“What is the quality of the flirting?” asks Vernon. “If it’s innocent, join in; the erotic can be more than just sexual and more like a zest for life. If it’s tired, ask yourself what’s up? If it’s excluding of you, then it might be a sign of something going astray in your marriage.”

“Sometimes when people flirt, they want to impress YOU the partner,” says Grose. “They don’t want to get off with the neighbour. They want to show they’re desirable and fun. So feeling rejected or blowing up is a mistake.”

“Ask yourself what your wife is getting from the neighbour that she’s not getting from you,” says Sarner.

“You could say: ‘Let’s invite him round all the time,” laughs Hodson. “Nothing cures like familiarity.”

Don’t say: you’re making a fool of yourself

Do say: I love seeing you so passionate. Now help me peel the sprouts

No one besides you EVER takes stuff back upstairs

Classic error says Vernon. “Don’t make a point with a disprovable scenario (ie don’t say ‘no one EVER…’ because someone will pipe up that they did it last week). Ask for the bigger picture. Rather than saying “I am doing it all again,” ask: “Why does it feel like I’m the one who always does this?”.

If you can be witty – Vernon compares it to improv or stand-up – you’ve made your point, but you’ve also made contact with your opponent. “Doggedly repeating the same words makes you look stuck or immovable, possibly because you are. Try alternatives to accusations, such as making comparisons, ‘It’s like when…’, or using a narrative mode, ‘Do you remember when we…’.”  

Not everyone sees a mess in the room in the same way, or attaches the same meaning to it. “I think secretly a part of the person who gets the burden wants to keep it, and they want the credit, so they opt for martyrdom,” says Hodson. “So it’s about taking some of that hidden motivation out and just doing a deal. See things through the other person’s spectacles, not agreeing with them, but listening more, and finding out why they are as they are. Keep clarifying the message: ‘Have I got this right? Is this what you’re trying to say?’ Give it back to the person.”  

“Make it a much broader thing about how you co-exist as a family,” says Grose. “Be a bit philosophical rather than just letting rip.”

Don’t say: you are all selfish monsters

Do say: there’s a jumbo pile of stuff that would look so much nicer in your cupboard, now I’m going for a run