Dear Richard Madeley: My wife and I gave our youngest money – her sister is furious

Dear Richard,

My wife inherited a house in 2001, which she rented out (in the absence of a decent pension) until early 2021. She has given a chunk of money from the sale to our youngest daughter to get her back on her feet after a divorce; the rest she has invested and she is living on the interest, though the income is less than the rent she used to receive. However I have a respectable pension and we live in a house which will sell for a lot when we die.

The problem is that our elder daughter is furious at the sale and what she calls the ‘unfairness and deception’ it represents. With hindsight we realise we might have told her what we were doing. But the house and the money from its sale were my wife’s to do with as she saw fit; our elder daughter is in a stable marriage and a good career, and has never asked us for money; and on our eventual demise there should be enough in the kitty to redress the imbalance in favour of our younger daughter, who needed our help now. Currently her sister is ‘taking some time to process’, and has abstained from family gatherings. I’d like to bring her back into the fold, as we both miss her despite everything. Do you have any tactical suggestions?

— J, Surrey

Dear J,

Well, I’m sorry to say it, but your elder daughter is behaving pretty badly. Yes, it was probably short-sighted – perhaps even slightly bad manners – not to bring her into the loop about plans to give her sister a helping hand, but I completely agree with you: it’s your wife’s money and up to her to do with it as she sees fit.

And what she did was uncomplicatedly generous – she identified a pressing need in her younger child’s circumstances and helped ease it. What’s wrong with that? Surely your elder daughter can see that her sister needed this help at a difficult point in her life, while she herself is in a comparatively fortunate position?

Her ‘taking some time to process’ could perhaps be better phrased as ‘having a sulk’. Her behaviour has more than a whiff of entitlement: misplaced entitlement, at that, considering she is due for a generous inheritance when you and your wife pass on, which, as you say, will more than balance the books. She is being short-sighted and silly. She needs to grow up.

You ask me for ‘tactical suggestions’. If that’s code for: ‘Should we give her some money – buy her off?’ Well, that’s up to you – but I really don’t recommend you give in to what looks to me unpleasantly close to emotional blackmail. I’m tempted to suggest you show her this reply, but that would probably only prolong the flounce.

I think you should just let time do its healing work. She can’t brood for ever. Make it clear to her that you love her and want her back in the family fold. The gate is wide open. She’ll walk back through it. Eventually.

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