Dear Rachel: ‘I want an affair, but I don’t want to leave my wife’

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Dear Rachel

I have what must be a common question, but if you were to solve it with your magic dust thousands of marriages could be saved. Many men who have affairs don’t want to leave their wives and children; they do so because they love the chase of a new skirt when adventurous sex has disappeared at home. Most such flings fizzle out. How can we initiate a conversation along the lines of: “OK, you don’t want me physically but I need more, don’t panic I’m not leaving”? 

–PS 

Dear PS,

Goodness gracious, “a new skirt!” A timely reminder, perhaps, of how some married men still at least dare to dream about the supply line of ever-ready sexual partners out there. 

I’m afraid that my professionals are clean out of “magic dust” and even took issue with your missive (keep ’em coming, dear Asking For a Frienders!). “Patronising twaddle,” was the opinion of one therapist, who told me: “In my practice I have mainly seen couples where the woman has had an affair.” I took issue too a bit, without sounding judgmental. Not the hilarious reference to skirt-chasing, a Benny Hill formulation of which I approve, or the plaintive mention of “adventurous sex” having left the building on the home front, but this: the notion that your wife will panic if you left. Really?  Have you asked whether she is happy in the marriage? Are you aware that 70 per cent of divorces are initiated by women? And why is that, pray?

Let me tell you. All the surveys show that men get the most out of marriage, in terms of health, life expectancy, and being serviced domestically. Women, in the main, don’t enjoy the same suite of perks and extras over many decades as they bear and look after children and often much more besides, and their “liberation” into the workplace has at least freed them to make their own choices. Lots of the time, women want out, while men like the status quo – and who wouldn’t, especially if they can have their cake and eat it? Which brings us to your letter. Despite the perks of partnership, you are choosing to focus on the one area – I am assuming – where your needs are not being met according to your tight spec. Her indoors is falling down on the job, which is providing “adventurous sex” as well as everything else.

As the therapist Sophie Haggard points out, “opening up” the marriage often backfires and the ground rules – no mutual friends, one-night stands only, protection, no kissing, etc – cannot fail to be broken. Indeed. I know one couple where the wife – let’s call her Amanda – has “shut up shop”. She told her husband of 35 years to gather ye rosebuds elsewhere, so long as he doesn’t hit on her friends, and she doesn’t know about it or hear about it. However, he was too idle and incompetent and was so used to her taking care of business that he kept asking her to do that too, i.e. organise own his extramarital affair. Finally he asked her to please ask Minty (not her real name) if Minty might be up for doing the honours. “Minty? Are you serious?” Amanda protested. Minty had been her very best friend since school, as she gently pointed out. If only men realised that all women really want is competence – that’s the magic dust that would save many marriages, in my opinion. But back to Mr Skirt-chaser. Haggard recommends “psychosexual counselling” to try to put the “oooh” back into “arrgggh,” – but she queries your attitude to potential extramarital partners.

I’ll end with Tracey Barraclough, a clinical hypnotherapist, who was no less sceptical, I’m afraid. She says you need to check your calendar as “this is 2024, and men are not the only ones with needs to be met! You say it’s predominantly men who have affairs, but I would take a punt that they’re having them with, erm, women! It’s natural to want physical intimacy and reasonable to ask for it; so one wonders, have you actually done that with your wife? Or even asked how she’s feeling and if there’s something deeper rooted? That many affairs ‘fizzle out’ does not make it carte blanche to have them. Affairs happen, are multi-faceted and not one size fits all; but rule of thumb, they’re a symptom not a cause of relationship breakdowns. There’s a wealth of difference between needs being met and reckless behaviour with potentially catastrophic consequences,” she says.

CORRECTION: An earlier version of this article stated that vaginal mesh surgery was available for stress urinary incontinence on the NHS as an outpatient under local anesthetic. This was incorrect as the procedure has been paused since July 2018 following Baroness Cumberlege’s report ‘First Do No Harm’.  We are happy to correct the record.

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