US Edition
Those cunning Chinese devils have done it again. At an impromptu press conference, Iain Duncan Smith, Tim Loughton and Stewart McDonald detailed how they’d been hacked and impersonated by Red Agents.
Why they targeted these three I’ve no idea – Michael Fabricant’s inbox would be far more interesting and he’ll probably give you permission to read it – but IDS said the commies had been sending out emails in his name to senior politicians, declaring he was a liar and about to quit office. The scam went on for years because nobody opened them.
“I’m constantly getting emails or tweets from Tom Tugendhat saying he has resigned in disgust at the Government’s policy,” said Tim Loughton. I have a feeling, if Mr Loughton looks again, he’ll find that was actually Tom Tugendhat trying to resign from the Government.
Having established the need for tough action, the three MPs rode by rickshaw to Parliament, where Oliver Dowden gave a statement detailing the Government’s response.
Dear Oliver. A nice man with very neat hair, his idea of “robust diplomacy” is making sure everyone at the summit has tried this lovely chablis – and thus proceeded to play Chamberlain to IDS’s Churchill.
While maintaining a “this is jolly worrying” demeanour, he disclosed that the sustained attack on our democracy has amounted to one failed effort to infiltrate the Electoral Commission and an equally failed attempt “to conduct reconnaissance” by an online user known as “APT31” (other aliases include MaoZedongFan and HornyPanda69).
“Proportionate and targeted action” has been taken (they told APT31’s mother) and sanctions triggered (she took away his phone).
Well, the Taipei Three were deeply unimpressed with the statement. “Like an elephant giving birth to a mouse,” said IDS.
“Turning up to a gunfight with a wooden spoon,” said McDonald. Loughton, who throughout the debate was turning redder than Tiananmen Square, called it underwhelming and noted that not only had Britons been hacked but, more importantly, the families of dissidents threatened. The basic problem is the Government wants to deal with incidents in isolation, when the wider context – as IDS wisely reminded us – is Chinese espionage and genocide. While the Americans have sanctioned 40 commies in Hong Kong, Britain – the country that once ran the place – hasn’t found reason to sanction any.
“I think members of this House should take this moment very seriously,” said Mr Dowden, metaphorically dishing out the canapes, for the Chinese have sought to “undermine” our democracy (and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Tory party’s job). But do not panic, he soothed, for we are advising institutions on how to improve cyber security – “Try putting numbers in your password” – and we do have some of the best universities, churning out some of the finest minds.
But is the minister aware, asked Richard Drax, that when the MoD tries to hire AI experts educated by our universities, it’s “a nightmare... because they’re all Chinese”?
How reassuring to think that Oxford and Cambridge still produce the best communist spies in the world!
Dowden’s idea of a robust response turns ‘Taipei Three’ redder than Tiananmen Square
MP victims of Chinese hacking unimpressed as Deputy PM plays Chamberlain to Iain Duncan Smith’s Churchill on cyber breach