Penny Mordaunt drops first mention of ‘frottage’ in Hansard history

Penny Mordaunt, fresh from her day of aggressively pouting at Keir Starmer, confirmed that the Safety of Rwanda Bill will not return to the Commons until April 15. A big win for their Lordships – champagne corks will pop, defibrillators will be at the ready on the red benches pre-Easter. Given that they’d had their prerogative usurped, the Commons seemed remarkably unbothered. There was a languorous, demob-happy feel to the final Business Questions before the break.

Speaking of lack of enthusiasm, enter stage left, Lucy Powell, with her evergreen call for a general election. She moaned that this wasn’t the last Business Questions before a change of government – brave, perhaps, of her to assume that she’d be the one answering the questions in that event, given Sir Keir has demoted her once before. The absent Rishi Sunak was the target of her limp ire. The PM had bottled it. “He’s being buffeted by events… More division, more chatter, authority ebbing away.” Clearly the ski slopes beckoned for whoever writes the shadow leader’s speeches.

She also crowed gleefully about Mordaunt’s rumoured tilt at the leadership. MPs, said Powell, were “actively discussing wielding the sword, or a coronation. Both things she is very accustomed to”. This part was presumably written while said aide was actually mid-way down a ski slope or perhaps 10 Jägermeisters deep.

Perhaps as a diversion, Mordaunt dropped the first ever mention of “frottage” in Hansard history via the sentence: “Despite all the Armed Forces frottage that has been coming from the Opposition front bench, they are planning an EU defence pact.” One wonders if her speech-writer has just won some sort of bet.

Deidre Brock accused Mordaunt of repeatedly ignoring the SNP’s questions. This is easier than acknowledging the roasting she gets from the Leader of the Commons every Thursday without fail. Mordaunt’s weekly annihilations of the SNP aren’t so much casting for salmon on the Spey as a regular Glencoe massacre of fish in barrels.

On Thursday, Mordaunt was busy sending up the SNP’s draconian new hate-crime laws, which give the police sweeping new powers to clamp down on hurty words. She identified a “persistent hostility” in Brock’s remarks. “I’m getting the impression the Honourable Lady does not like me, perhaps even hates me… I feel very intimidated, upset and deeply, deeply hurt.” She would, in due course, be filling out a “hate-related report form” should Brock or any of her colleagues be similarly mean again.

As ever, much of the real value came from the backbenchers. Half operatic baritone, half whopping great legal bill, erstwhile attorney general Sir Geoffrey Cox asked a rare question about the recently reopened Appledore Shipyard, which had been “a picture of dereliction, its workers dispersed to the four winds”. Imagine Patrick Stewart, if Patrick Stewart were calling for a debate about the revival of English shipbuilding.

MP for Sefton (and hearing what you want to hear) Bill Esterton accused the Chancellor of creating a £46 billion black hole in the Budget by promising to abolish National Insurance completely, at once. We can but hope. Mordaunt raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked that he clarify these remarks. “The event that the Rt Hon Gentleman might be recalling was actually a dream, perhaps after eating a large amount of cheese.” A generous way of suggesting that the makers of Babybel are now lacing it with LSD.

Auspicious tidings from Philip Hollobone, who announced: “Mr Speaker, I bring good news from Kettering.” Hold the front page – Sainsbury’s had restored free parking in the evenings. Kettering can have its good news back: school’s out for Easter.