Why women are still measured on their ability to juggle home, family and career

This week, Lily Allen became the latest celebrity mother to dispel the “having it all” myth. The 38-year-old singer has told The Radio Times podcast that having her two daughters, Ethel, 12, and Marnie, 11, “totally ruined” her pop career. “I get really annoyed when people say you can have it all,” she says. “Because quite frankly you can’t.”

It’s a sentiment that nearly every mother can sympathise with, pop star or not. But Lily’s not the first high-profile woman to speak honestly about the untenable juggle that is a successful career and a smooth-running home life. In August, presenter Helen Skelton quit her BBC Radio 5 job to move closer to her parents and spend more time with her three children. Skelton explained live on air: “I am not alright about it but needs must. The juggle is real.”

Ever since Helen Gurley Brown, then-editor of US Cosmopolitan, coined the phrase in 1982, “having it all” has been touted as the aspirational goal of every modern woman. 

Yet tellingly, Gurley Brown’s book made no mention of raising children (she didn’t have any). The ‘all’ she referred to was women having a glamorous career, money, sex, exercise and a stylish appearance.

Working fathers are never asked if they can ‘have it all’, and yet women are still measured on their ability to juggle managing the home, raising a family and maintaining a high-flying career. Finally – some forty years on from Gurley-Brown’s book – many working mothers are speaking out about the impossibility of this bind. Running a household is itself a full-time, yet unpaid, job. When you add a career on top, the numbers, for most, simply don’t add up.

And yet, how do the world’s most powerful women with families really manage to thrive in the top jobs? Behind the scenes is often a huge support system and/or a canny delegation of priorities in order to keep all the balls in the air. 

If you’ve ever wondered how high-profile working women seem to manage to have children, a tidy home, an amazing career and a strong marriage, then one (or more!) of these is probably the answer…

The creche of mum and dad

Many successful working women have moved closer to their parents to take advantage of the free childcare and family support. Indra Nooyi, formerly the CEO of PepsiCo, was the first woman, immigrant and person of colour to run a Fortune 50 company in America. In her book, My Life in Full, she reveals the patchwork childcare set-ups she created over the years, heavily relying on her mother and other relatives to look after her two daughters.

Charlize Theron has credited “my mom up the street and amazing friends and family. I call them my village” for allowing her to maintain a successful film career and family life. 

The model Chrissy Teigen has also been very open about the vital role her mother, Vilailuck “Pepper” Teigen, played in helping to raise her four children with John Legend.

 “Grateful for all the people who make it possible for me to be the best mother I can possibly be,” Teigen wrote on Instagram with a picture of her mother. “I am endlessly thankful for your presence in this home and all our lives. We love you.” 

In January, Teigen revealed that Pepper had moved home to Thailand. “I haven’t really been on my own. It’s weird waking up and going, ‘Oh my God, I got four kids and mom’s not here.’ Of course we have help, but there’s nobody like your mother.” 

The stay-at-home dad

Sheryl Sandberg, former COO of Meta, says that “your most important career decision is who you marry” (ie: someone who does their share of the housework and childcare) and behind a lot of successful women is a stay-at-home spouse. Lockdown sparked a trend for this. In 2023, one in nine stay-at-home parents were fathers, up from one in 14 in 2019, according to ONS data. The number of dads who had left the workforce to look after their family rose 34 per cent over the same period.

Back in 1999, Carly Fiorina was the first woman to lead a Fortune Top-20 company when she became CEO of Hewlett-Packard. She made headlines when her husband Frank took early retirement to support her trailblazing career. Ursula Burns, former CEO of Xerox and the first black female CEO of a Fortune 500 company, credits her husband, Lloyd Bean, for staying at home with their two daughters so she could climb the career ladder. “You should find a great partner. Man, woman, whatever it is — you have to find a good one,” she says.

Hollywood A-listers have also sung the praises of their stay-at-home spouses. Amy Adams’s husband Darren is the primary caregiver for their daughter, Aviana, 13. Amy says: “He travels with me and helps to keep the family together, and I really do appreciate that. But I don’t value it because he’s a man doing it, I value it because he’s my partner. We have a friend who said to him, ‘I couldn’t do what you do, I really couldn’t.’ What, show up for your wife? That’s really sad. But, you know, he has sacrificed a lot.”

And in the UK, Baroness Helena Morrissey, the City ‘superwoman’ with nine children, has spoken about her husband Richard’s decision to be a stay-at-home dad. “We both worked full time until the birth of our fourth child, by which point we felt under constant pressure,” she says. “Richard wasn’t enjoying his job and suggested he could play a bigger role at home.” Yet, despite becoming the sole breadwinner, she admits that she still “organised the school uniforms, laundry, family diary and children’s activities”.

The wellbeing advocates

Although recent research found that 61 per cent of mums feel guilty about taking time to exercise, many of the world’s most high-achieving women claim it’s key to juggling it all. Halle Berry, who has an eight-year-old son Maceo-Robert and a 12-year-old daughter Nahla Ariela, says: “I’ve made it my mission to find time in the day to exercise, get work done and be a mom.” 

Meanwhile, sleep is now the secret weapon for Arianna Huffington, who burnt out to the point of exhaustion in 2007. “I have to assure you that the success at The Huffington Post happened after I started taking care of myself,” she has said. Sheryl Sandberg agrees: “When I get a good night’s sleep, whatever the challenges are, I can keep it in check and handle it.”

The super nannies

While famous women used to be tight-lipped about their nannies – or you only heard about them when they had an affair with the husband – now they’re singing their praises. TV writer and producer Shonda Rhimes devoted an entire chapter of her memoir to her nanny Jenny. “I am proud to say that I do not do this alone,” she wrote.

Fashion designer Rebecca Minkoff, who has four children under 11, says “I wouldn’t be able to do this without my nanny at home. It’s a village and that’s the only way this works.” Comedian Amy Schumer posts pictures of her and the nanny to her son, Gene, now four, on Instagram. “This is our nanny who makes it possible for me to work and know that our baby is happy and healthy,” Schumer wrote. “I love her very much.”

The home helpers

Paying a cleaner has become standard for most middle-class working women, but those who can afford it are also hiring full-time members of staff to help run their home, do their laundry and shop for and cook their meals.

In 2020, a female CEO’s job ad for a “Household Manager/Cook/Nanny” went viral for its demanding nature – skills included skiing, fluent languages and river swimming – and sparked debate about the labour involved in raising kids and who it falls on. The anonymous CEO turned out to be a single mother, and defended her advert. “As a working woman, I need a wife.”

Guardians of the Galaxy actress Zoe Saldana credits the team who run her house as the reason she’s able to achieve her success. “Our assistant, our nanny and our housekeeper. They are literally raising our children with us,” Saldana says. “It’s because of them I am able to rip myself away as long as I can, and my husband as well, to do what we do.”

And if you’re wondering what the secret is to Goop-like levels of serenity, it might be Gwyneth Paltrow’s “house manager” Jeffrey, who went viral in 2018 for basically being a glorified butler. “He’s the best… he’s so incredible. He helps me with everything,” she told an interviewer. Would that we all had a Jeffrey in our lives.